I giggle...

And i'm not normally a giggler.

I chortle. Chuckle. and just out right laugh...

but I giggle..

I heard from the random conversation game guy.

His infection is healing. His prognosis is good.

=) He is surprised.

I'm not.

I told him, "i prayed for you."

He said, "Thank you."

and that's all that needed to happen. 

I'm sure that's not all that is GOING to happen...but I may not see the rest. 
and I'm okay with that.

Inadequate...

In the game The Professor and I have been playing, you can meet all manner of people. From all over the world. My character has introduced me to some pretty amazing people. 

And some not so amazing. (Just wanted to throw that in there) 


Sometimes, you get random conversations going with random players and they stick with you. Or check up with you, or you them.


"Hey  how's it going!" 


"Congrats on turning 60!"


"Need a new weapon?"


"Make me some bling?"


"where is.... how do I...." Those kind of conversations.'


I struck up a conversation with someone several days ago. I don't remember what started it...excpept that we were in the same place at the same time.


I haven't really talked to him much since then..


Until today. I got an "IM" (Instant Message) from him... 


"i'm Dying."
 
It's a game. Sometimes you can stand there and watch your character die and not do much about it. So I was empathetic. I wrote back, "I'm sorry."


He said, "yeah, the infection has spread to my bones and I can't go to the dentist."


...


...


...


"Wait." I said, "What? You were serious? You weren't talking about in the game?"


He told me, "dead serious."


Words, at that point, were, literally pointless. What could I say? So I told him, "I'm so very sorry." 


I don't like platitudes. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything.


Of course, my first thought was, where is he going when/if he dies? Is he pulling my leg? 


He told me that he planned to get high and die a decent death.


I called The Professor. I needed wisdom. Do I talk salvation with a player? over a chat window? 


How callous does that appear? 


We both agreed that it's doable - but has to be done carefully. 
I couldn't see him. He couldn't see me. That connection was important to have in that instance, i think..


Then I realized...I don't have to be there.


My words can change atmospheres.


So I spoke to the situation from where I was knowing God would respond. Knowing that God would send someone to him. Knowing that there would be a battle until an answer was found.

I felt very inadequate. 
There wasn't much else I could do - so It had to be enough... 

The woman with the oil had an inadequate supply that turned out to be more than enough. 
There's hope in that.

in response

I was just thinking the other day, "Self, it's August. You should really do some blogging. There's lots to talk about." 

I agreed with myself. 

Then I read this post over at The Gang's blogging hangout. I am very pleased to count The Gang's Mama as a very dear friend. So when she hinted I should read, I took it as a hint that maybe I should read. Which I also took as a hint that maybe I should blog. I mean, since I was talking to myself about it anyway, it was a natural progression. 

Then I did some reading...and I got just a bit steamed. Then I got wordy...

Apparently, there are two camps in the international adoption community. I had no idea. None. That the question of fundraising or not was an issue until I read the Gang's post. I did what she suggested, I link hopped to get more information. I started with the original question, here. I could NOT believe the answer given. But I moved on -- to here where the question was open for comments. Then I followed up and Read Dawn's response to Dear Abby's question - Here.

I wanted to cheer for Dawn....but since I don't know her, I cheered from here.  Now, if you'll allow me - and you will because it's my blog -- here's what I think...I wrote it last night. It was too big to fit in The Gang's comment box. 

Opinions are like belly buttons -- here's mine.

Okay. I'm writing this in my e-mail program so I can write and read and edit. My thoughts on this topic are .... well.... categorized, actually. I was going to say they're rambling but really they're categorized. Welll...they''ll probably end up being categorized rambles...

The answer from Dear Abby is INSANELY uninformed. How wrong of her to suggest that fostering, where children come and go would fill empty arms. Dawn did a phenomenal job responding that bit of absurdity. The system is Broken!!!! and that answer is... well it's just... *snarl* ...

Then I read the comments on the Adoptiontalk blog. Where most people talked about 'fund raising' for adoption. There were several EXCELLENT answers in the comments sections and what stuck out to me were the great mass of ... well... judgmental comments.

I could not imagine all the comments venting negativity toward fund raising for international adoptions. I was amazed at how many people laid down such VERY strong opinions on the matter. Never once did they seem to take into consideration that EACH and EVERY adoption is unique. Each and Every family is unique and therefore in unique situations.

I was struck by how many commentors offered such blatant comments, such as: "we didn't fund raise. We saved our money and didn't drive around in big fancy cars." 

Really??? That's what you're going with?? that's such a categorizing comment to make. Such a stupid biased thing to say. I'm sorry. It may seem fancy to you but maybe the family bought that big fancy car because they needed it to transport everyone at once???

It amazes me how many people can throw out those kind of extremes. Apparently, they've forgotten that there are the middle ground sort of instances.

--- The comments about "people who have to fund raise to adopt probably can't afford the children after they arrive in their home" 

*stunned silence*

Just come over here so I can slap you. I have four children. I can't afford my children now. Gosh. the little buggers are expensive!!! Clothes. Books. Toys. Clothes. Food. Food. Have you ever fed pre-teen boys??? oh my goodness!! BUT HOW DARE YOU MAKE SUCH AN IGNORANT statement as if you knew the life I was living.

That gets my sense of justice up. How dare you try to make someone else feel INFERIOR because of the choices they make???

Why not find a real problem and an appropriate soap box. Take your religious stereotypes and go away. 

(I see this kind of nonsense in homeschool circles, too. I refuse to use a certain, major curriculum because of the followers on that business's forum.) So go away... I don't want to play with you anymore.

Fund raising.

Funny thing that it creates SUCH a controversy.

How many of us buy a CD at a concert? That's fund raising and we don't mind it.
How about a t-shirt?  We wear the brand name - that serves as free advertising for the band/artist/whatever AND it's fund raising.
How about a book at an event?

How about .... donations at special events. Or Tithes. Offerings. Goodwill donations. Donations to mission trip fundraisers?

To sit there and say that it's not as important as cancer healing or car accident aftermath shows just how strongly you quantify things. To judge someone for fundraising -- shows just how self-righteous you are. Both are limiting your perspective. Both are stunting your heart. 

You have issues? Don't donate.... but don't judge. And be sure to search your heart. How self-righteous were you in how you went about your business? Did you let everyone know how much you were sacrificing for your adoption? I ask because I know people who are like this.

I've given money to friends because God said so. ... That's Holy Spirit fundraising.
No one objects.

Here's the trick about fundraising --- it's a yes or no proposition.
If you don't want to give.... you're not being forced. It's not taxes.

And it's not your mother, there's no guilt trip involved.
Just -- don't sit there and tell my friends how to go about their business. They certainly don't tell you.

I'm having a difficult time believing that any child adopted and LOVED will ever have problems knowing that the family worked really, really hard to bring them into their lives. The trick is not to constantly put in front of the child by saying things like: "we went without sooo much to have you in our family..." The trick is to put before the child: We loved you so much we had to have you.

That works for any child.

I'm rather wondering how many comments out there on this topic are actually knee jerk reactions. I'll be more than happy to admit that I've had more than my fair share. The trick is waiting and watching. Get informed. You form an opinion and a judgement on your knee's jerk, before you know all the facts and you've pretty much made yourself useless.

You see, I come from the opinion that NO child comes at an opportune moment. Mine certainly didn't.
I see no harm in a family going to their circle of friends, family, acquaintances and saying, "Here's what we're doing - if you'd like to sow into this we would be blessed and honored to have your support."

Giving would be an act of love.
Supporting would be an act of support.
There's nothing wrong with that.
We all need love.
We all need support.

You don't think we do?
Let's have a chat.

Desiring Faith

If you read the Bible at all you know the concept as laid out in Matt. 19:14. It's an oft touted concept ... the faith of a child.

It's a faith so simple that anything is possible. It's the adult in us, the life experiences that we live through (how else do you get experience?) and really, the fact that we try to reason in our own minds that creates a more complex faith. Our emotions lie to us. Our thoughts betray us. We believe one way and we might not see the answer because the way God answered isn't how we perceived the end result.

Which ... that goes back to our thoughts and emotions getting the better of us.

The last few days, in living through an emotional time here in the Laundry Pile, I've been contemplating the faith of my children.

Do we sit around and have devotionals every morning?? Nope. I can't even claim that we do them weekly.

Heck. I don't remember the last time I picked up a devotional.

However, we talk about God. We experience God. We worship God.  Those tangible things have been building in my children a faith that I am envious to have for myself.

I can take no credit. It is not something taught. It has all been learned.

During this past month, I have struggled with my writing. I've struggled with my self-perceptions and self-image. I have struggled through thoughts that seemed slippery and un-tamable.

Through it all, I've been looking for that weapon to use to fight back. I know what God says. But I needed something tangible for NOW. Not something I could flippantly spout off...I knew that wasn't going to work. As I hunted for this weapon, I pondered the faith of my children.

I fell in the shower. It was a weird thing. I fell and hurt my back against that thing that I think is supposed to be a seat. Or a shelf. If it had been sharp or even square-edged, I'd probably have cut myself or done some serious damage. I *FELT* how it hit. It took me a second to find my footing and get up. I'm a bit cumbersome. Especially when slippery.

Mini-E came up to me after I emerged from the shower. She'd heard the noise and wanted to check on me. By the way, she's five now. I told her that I'd fallen and I hit my back. She asked if she could pray for my body - and not one to miss the opportunity of a moment with Holy Spirit, I said yes. She pressed several tiny fingers against the exact spot I hit in the shower and prayed for me. "Jesus, please heal mommy's body." It was that simple and that sincere. It touched my heart. (Where two or  more are gathered and all that.)

I want that sort of faith. Where my FIRST response is to speak God's power.

Last year, I submitted my first manuscript to an agent. His automated e-mail told me that it would be up to a year before I heard from him, depending on his work load. Fine. I waited. Somewhere in the middle of that time, someone asked if they could read the story. So I sent it to them. They could not open the same file. I didn't think much of it - thought the systems weren't compatible. But it niggled in the back of my mind. So I finally tried to open the file to discover I had sent the agent a corrupted file. Somewhere in the conversion from one software to another, the file was corrupted and unreadable. The agent never let me know. I suppose, he just didn't want to waste his time on it. That's fine. I decided he probably wasn't going to do me much good, anyway.

The point of it all was, and still is, the children.

"Mom, have you heard from your agent?"

"YOUR" agent.

Not 'the' agent.

These children have been a constant encouragement to me as a person. ... as a waiting writer. I want that kind of faith. I'm still searching for an agent - and they're still encouraging me.

--- several people have prophesied into our lives on three different occasions. Separate occasions that God will provide a bigger house for us. Which is excellent. We need a bit more elbow room. (I hope it's not contingent on finding an agent!) (God doesn't need an agent.) (I love that about Him)

We were talking about it one day. Mini-Me overheard The Professor and me talking about moving. It bothers her. She's not so sure she's a fan of change. Except monetary. So we talked about how God promised a bigger house. (I wouldn't have told them... if I didn't trust the sources). J-man was first. He disappeared and came back with a handful of coins. He wanted to give money toward the new house. I prayed over his 'seed money' and It's now sitting on my kitchen window sill... reminding me of his great faith.

I want faith like that.

The faith to simply believe. To not just say -- "But God .."

I want to be like Mary, who said, "Let it be to me as you say"

I want to be like my children -- who don't let thought clutter get in the way of their faith.

It is a desire of my heart.
It's a weapon of warfare.
It is possible. Hopefully tomorrow, I'll be able to walk in it even more.

Why are the holidays so weird?

I'm going to be perfectly blunt. 
What my brother said to me was, "Why do the holidays have to be so f*****g weird?"

And I have to ask the same question.

Oh, sure. Thanksgiving and Christmas is supposedly about togetherness. I get that. Peace and good will to all, certainly. I get that, too. 



But somewhere in it all -- there is invariably something 'weird' that pops up. 


For my brother and I, it was random facebook messages from a long-distant sister-in-law. She told us both that she thought we would like to see pictures of our niece and nephews. 

We haven't heard from her in, goodness, 4 years more or less. And that's how she wants to word it??


As The Professor says when I asked him his opinion, "I don't see anything wrong with it, but I don't see anything good in it, either." 

You might say, that it's a gesture of peace.
If that's the case, the wording sucked.

As my brother put it - "Let me know what your inner turmoil tells you." And that's where I am. 
I don't just want pictures. I think it's paltry offering after 4 years. After not being able to see any of them, save the time my brother drove up for a funeral. There's been no communication. At all.


My brother and I had a fight, via e-mail and that was the last of it.
I don't know what to think -- except that the timing is weird.
That the entire message was weird.
I didn't like having the guilt trip in the message.


--------


And then - my other weird moment came when A friend wrote on her blog, in a series of blog posts that she no longer believes in God. 


She's been silent in our communications and I was chalking it up to another lost friendship. I seem to have a lot of them. 


Her confessions don't make me question my own faith.
I do wish that I had the words to counter what she has questioned but I think she's had enough words. Far too much religious doctrine piled up and not enough evidence that God actually works.


What would you do?
Would you try to convince her? Would you simply break off communications?
I'm tired of losing friends. So I won't do either. 

She suddenly has Sundays free and I pointed that out. 

I still want to be her friend and I won't temper what I say to her but I have to wonder how her new found belief system (which seems to be trending toward Atheism) colors her opinion of ... well, me.


I've come out of a tough situation and I've decreed that I still believe in God. 
I believe He did divinely create the world, and me. She thinks if there is a divine creator he was drunk because nothing He made makes sense. 

So while I'm wondering why the holidays have to be so weird, I'm glad I didn't wrap her Christmas present. 


Do Atheists celebrate Christmas?? 
It seems rather pointless, to be honest. 
but that's probably a blog post of a different color.

We talked....

It's interesting how resilient children are. They survive parenting by mortal humans (though may require deliverance from God later) and usually they're pretty happy about it.

Mini-Me and I talked about our friend. Today we found out that the doctor isn't holding out much hope for long term recovery - but we know how wrong the doctor can be. He's only human after all. I've been up front and honest with Mini-Me about the news. I'm letting her read the e-mails as they come to in box.

Today, the e-mail said that perhaps it wasn't a stroke after all but seizures.
she asked "What's a seizure?" I told her to the best of my ability -- and she said, "So it's like getting a charlie horse in your head?"

Something like that.

You know what I've noticed?

Her faith is amazing. She doesn't realize that's what it is - but it is faith. Pure and simple.

Thank you all for your comments and encouragement. I truly felt good and hugged - She received and understood. Now we just wait and see. Wait and pray.

Not looking forward to it...

Sometimes, the lessons of life are just too difficult to learn.

We got word yesterday that a friend from our small church had been taken into the hospital. At the time we had no idea what was wrong. She's 41. And actually she's more of a friend to Mini-Me than she is to me. Mostly because I spend most of my time chasing down fights among the little kids.

We prayed for our friend last night before bed and it was not long before Mini-me comes traipsing back to ask about her.

This morning I'm faced with the chore to tell her that her friend has been termed "Brain Dead".

I KNOW God is more than enough. I Know that He's capable of raising people from the dead. Does it shake my faith when He doesn't do it? No. Because it doesn't shake who He is.

What it does is shake my understanding. I don't understand. And Mini-Me will only see that she's lost another friend. That makes me saddest of all. I hate that my kids have to learn that sometimes life just sucks.

As a parent, even here in the Laundry Pile, we want to protect the kids from the harsher realities of life. Then comes the time when they come right in our faces. Then comes the trick.

How to teach the kids how to praise in the middle of the storm.
I know enough about God to know that He did not cause the sickness -- but that doesn't mean He can't use it to be Glorified. Which is what we want now...

I want my kids to see God glorified even when life sucks.

Hues of Gray

I like the color Red. It has significant meaning in my heart. But so does Blue. Purple. Yellow. I like colors. I don't wear them all on my clothes, because I'm shaped much like Winnie the Pooh.

But I like them.

For this emo post, I'll use the color red.

Sometimes I feel like the color red in a black and white world.

If I put Red in a laundry load of whites - the whites might just be tinged with red dye. Leaving color splashes of pink.

But on the flip side, Red can become darker and even gloomy when washed in a load of dark blues or blacks.

I'd rather be the one spreading the color around...but sometimes it's just not meant to be. Sometimes the black and white world is just too black and white. I'm a dreamer. A romantic. An optimist. and sometimes the world just pecks on those things until I feel like that umbrella. The only bit of color. Solitary. In a world of black and white

Life pecks and pecks. Issues of the day abound.
and the color is sucked out....

I don't like hearing reality when I'm dreaming.
It actually hurts when I hear practicality when I'm romanticizing.
Being spouted by logic and news when I'm being optimistic can be wearying.

Wet blankets in hues of gray

Disillusionment at play

Why must the color fade

just to fit the world you've made?

Without the dreamers and the hopeful

What a sad lot you'd be

left alone in your dreary hues

of solemn colors you seem to choose.

Please don't pretend and don't deny

I can be red or blue as the sky

for I am a dreamer and quite the romantic

I can't make you see me

or change your ways

but I will leave you, mourning your lack

Leaving you solemn in your grays and black.

Pouring out my heart...

As you can tell by that last post, I was not in the most jolly of moods yesterday.

I cried a lot last night. It's amazing how just one thing can start the tears when you're in that kind of a melancholy. I talked to the Professor who was stuck at the airport in Chicago. He was encouraging and patient. He loves me and I'm glad.

The kids wanted to go to church. I would rather have stayed home.
But we went anyway. I sang the first song during the worship set. Then I just talked to God for the next two.

Then this song came up in the set. The first words had me in tears.
Here I am
Once again
I pour out my heart
For I know that you hear
Every cry
You are listening
No matter what state
My heart is in
You are faithful to answer

I think I made the lady next to me nervous because I just cried.
I was just so grateful to a God that will listen -- no matter what state my heart is in.

God wasn't done.
This morning, I logged on to Facebook and read the following from the JesusFreaks group...

RELATIONSHIPS(sovereign, promise-land and provisional)

I feel the body of Christ is groaning and mourning the loss of certain relationships. I keep running into people with stories of losing long time friendships and relationships, some are very obvious that God is removing some of these folks out of there lives and others not so obvious. The old relationships most of the time don’t produce much fruit but are comfortable. The new ones are uncomfortable but produce fruit.

Have we ever stopped to think about God’s perfect will for us, really? He has all the right people lined up to walk with us and in the right timing. Sometimes him removing us from relationships is him bringing us closer to himslef and further away from the world.

If you were to ask yourself about the relationships in your life right now, are they bringing you closer or further from or to the lord. I believe the lord is sifting our relationships to align us to those who will draw out the treasures within us.

• example- taking us further into sin. Speaking negatively about us. Someone in your life that has nothing good ever to say about you no fruit comes from that the lord is probably going to remove them from your life. This does not mean you wont run into them or even talk every now and again but the relationship will probably not be as it was.

I stopped reading right here.
Because this was exactly what was said in church on Sunday. Are those you are aligned with bringing you down ?? Or taking you higher?

Okay - you can continue reading if you want. or just skip to the end....

re•la•tion•ship
1: the state of being related or interrelated 2: the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship: as a: KINSHIP b: a specific instance or type of kinship 3 a: a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings b: a romantic or passionate attachment
1pro•vi•sion
1 a: the act or process of providing b: the fact or state of being prepared beforehand c: a measure taken beforehand to deal with a need or contingency : PREPARATION 2: a stock of needed materials or supplies ; especially : a stock of food —usually used in plural
1sov•er•eign
1 a: one possessing or held to possess sovereignty b: one that exercises supreme authority within a limited sphere c: an acknowledged leader : ARBITER2: any of various gold coins of the United Kingdom

Promise Land- the inheritance to the Israelites and God’s people.
Numbers 10:29-34
29 Now Moses said to Hobab son of Reuel the Midianite, Moses' father-in-law, "We are setting out for the place about which the LORD said, 'I will give it to you.' Come with us and we will treat you well, for the LORD has promised good things to Israel."
30 He answered, "No, I will not go; I am going back to my own land and my own people."
31 But Moses said, "Please do not leave us. You know where we should camp in the desert, and you can be our eyes. 32 If you come with us, we will share with you whatever good things the LORD gives us." (he was befriending him with compliments)
33 So they set out from the mountain of the LORD and traveled for three days. The ark of the covenant of the LORD went before them during those three days to find them a place to rest. 34 The cloud of the LORD was over them by day when they set out from the camp.
Moses needed Hobabs skills in the desert so he befriended him. This was a sovereign relationship,promiseland and provisional.
Judges 3:5-7
5 The Israelites lived among the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. 6 They took their daughters in marriage and gave their own daughters to their sons, and served their gods.
Othniel
7 The Israelites did evil in the eyes of the LORD; they forgot the LORD their God and served the Baals and the Asherahs.
Relationships affect our faith. When we befriend those that do not know God it might lead us into literally becoming idolaters as in the above Scripture.

Moses lead the Isrealites into the desert but Joshua lead them into the Promiseland.

Moses- provisional relationship
Joshua- promiseland relationship
Jesus- ultimately the real promiseland relationship
blessings,cune
------------------====================+================-----------------

So I have to pause (pun intended) in marking the passing of time and relationships - simply because they might not be the best for ME and my family. Those, that are good will prevail - or return if they have gone away.

That's just the way it has to be.

In the meantime, Shaggy wears a cone.
I'll love on my Nina extra.
And continue on the course God has for our family...desiring God's best.

You're the best!
Thanks for listening!!!

Passing of time...

I present to you a brief recap of life in the laundry pile. I have been pondering the passage of time. What does it look like? I mean really?

Some things are inevitable as time passes - other things I have to simply wonder about.

* Shaggy the shih-tzu is still limping around the house. He alternatingly limps and gnaws on his front feet. They don't know what's wrong with him. One vet wants to do surgery. Another wants to wait. We liked the over all attitude of the second vet, so we're waiting. It will be a year since we've adopted him this summer. The passing of time has been that he's loved by all the kids and tolerated by the Professor.

* The Professor is travelling A LOT. Today he's on a plane returning home from Alaska. The week before that he was elected (Army style) to go to Missouri. The week before that he was in South Dakota. The weekend before that he was taking a test in Chicago. He'll need a nap some time about June. He's had to watch his time pass via trips.

* Today was the funeral of my step-grandfather. I treasured him and his life. Even though I did not get to know him as well as my cousins did. I loved him most because he treasured my Nina. They were married in '97. In May. The Professor and I were Married in July of that same year. Mom had requested that we not have a double wedding.

* Knowing that this is her second husband to bury, my thoughts were constantly remembering My grandmother. She used to come to our house and I would play (pretty slowly) and she would sing. We would sing ballads from the 30's and 40's. It's a treasure I will always have. As my other cousins got older and had kids, her visits with us and our family were fewer and fewer. I know it's simply because they did more things that she could watch. So as time has passed, I have cherished that memory.

* While time passes, it's hard not to notice it's mark in life. Sometimes is just seems like we suddenly stop and noitice that a lot of time has passed by. Marked by Friendships - some growing stronger, others fading away. Knowing which ones to let go is the hard part of marking time.

* Time passes in families, too. When I was a kid, there was always the effort to hang out with cousins and family. We always had a family get together. Now. Now that we're older with families of our own - the relationships are not there. They have their families and those families hang out - as is only natural.

* Sometimes I feel like I pass all my time in the Laundry Pile and should reach out to those relationships that had once been there. Sometimes it's hard to think of how much time has passed while we've been here without getting a bit melancholy. How many things have I let go by because I've been so involved in things without looking up? It's not possible to go back in time.

It's only possible to mark it's passing.

Thinking stuff....

I've been thinking lately.

I feel much like Pooh, who's immortal bear wisdom said, "Think, Think, Think."
Grab some tea, I wanna think aloud.

Think, think, think

I've been thinking about the word "Nurture".
Which -- has a dictionary Definition of feeding, teaching, clothing, housing ...
I once wanted to argue with my neighbor who claimed that she was "raising the neighbor boy". She was really complaining that he was spending sooo much time hanging out at her house.
Entertaining is not nurturing.

I've been wondering if I have been nurturing enough to my kids.
I talked it out with my mom a bit -- my heart's desire IS to nurture...it's to teach them, train them and send them off to be the History Makers they were meant to be. Truth be told, I wanna go, too - but that's another blog post entirely.

But in the midst of a day there is so much going on - teaching school, teaching life, teaching that it's really NOT okay to punch your brother in the face and then not expect him to try to scratch you. And certainly don't tell me that you were justified in hitting him AGAIN. (those days also don't make much blogging fun)

And it's not okay to take a toy from a sibling -- Run to ME -- and then lay on said toy.
All I see is "guilty party".

It's the midst of the training of the controlled attitude (Even when I'm so frustrated I could bite nails) ...

How can you really know you're nurturing??

Someone said I was kind.
I sort of nervously laughed tonight- they haven't seen me on a bad day with the kids.

Nurture.
It's a powerful word.

A lack of nurture can lead to bondage... Talk about pressure.

~~~ think, think, think ~~~

Have you ever wondered what Freedom looks like??

God sets us free. He wants to set us free. He REALLY wants to see us free.
But what does it look like??

Can you see the chains piled on the ground? Sometimes you can physically see the countenance lighten and see the chin lift or the shoulder unslump..

but where does the real freedom lie -- in the heart.

How does a heart express freedom??

God showed me that my heart is learning to dance.

~~~ Think, Think, Think ~~~

There's a song called "How He loves us" ... I've posted it here before..it's on youtube.
(I heart youtube.)
In the song is the phrase--

"He is jealous for me"

Have you ever thought about it?
"He is jealous for me"
Jealous goes beyond wanting me for Himself -- which He does. Bible Says that "He is a Jealous God."
Another definition: Jealous: solicitous or vigilant in maintaining or guarding something

He is Jealous for me.
He is vigilant in maintaining and guarding my destiny.
He is vigilant in maintaining and guarding me.

No matter what emotions I may have --
no matter what the world tells me - and the world has been lying LOTS lately --
no matter what storms may come...

He is Jealous for me.
He is vigilant in maintaining and guarding ..... me.
It gives the verse "He'll never leave me or forsake me" a new depth.
He won't leave because He's God --- but he's vigilant in maintaining and guarding ... me.

That makes Him a Hero.

~~~ think, think, think ~~~

Have you ever had your head so full of thoughts, you imagined you'd be 10 pounds lighter if you'd write it all down??

I wonder if the bathroom scale can measure brain waves?
Hmmm...

I think not.

Partly Sunny...

One day, I headed out to the Library. From my corner, I could see the sun behind a layer of clouds. It was really cool. I had my camera in my purse but didn't take a picture. I headed to the Library an thought, I should really take a picture. So I did. From the Library's parking lot. It wasn't as great a shot as if I'd done the picture taking from my corner -- but to me it was good enough.

It doesn't really show up in the picture but when I looked at the cloud covered sun, it still hurt my eyes, the sun was still brightly shining from behind the clouds. I realize that it could have been my astigmatism and light sensitivity. I'm okay with that -- but the Holy Spirit really began speaking to me about this. There are spiritual aspects to this picture.

The clouds could be considered adversity. The trials of life, no matter what they are to us (family, finances, health, life in general) they are trying to cover us up. To over come us.

The light we have because of Jesus and the Holy Spirit in us, still shines bright. And the Clouds of adversity can not quite overtake us. They can not quite cover up the light that shines from us.

Now, then, the other spiritual lesson. The on-looker. Looking at us through the clouds of adversity. Because, we know, sometimes life and adversities are apparent and evident to the outside world. (And "they" are looking to see how we handle them.)

So to the on-looker, I want my light to shine THROUGH the clouds...for them to see. That no matter what life might hand me, my light can not be quenched. That my light will still pierce the clouds and shine through.

If nothing else, that the light would shine so bright as to hurt their eyes, and all the on-looker remembers is how bright the light was and not how dark the clouds were.

Cardboard Testimonies...

It's all in a name...

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. This is one of those "This could preach" moments. An object lesson, if you will. I've been thinking about the "preach" factor.

And it all started with a pair of shoes.

I stumbled across my tie-dyed Airwalks at Payless. (The Crocs knockoffs) They were me. I really enjoy them for what they were made for -- to wear when I don't want to tie my shoes. Or when I need to scurry out of the house. My mother-in-law has informed me that the Airwalks are nothing compared to the actual Crocs. I'm sure others feel the same way - but mine are tie-dyed! (I certainly didn't buy them because they were pretty. I bought them because they were quirky!)

I've had a few curious comments about them. Several people who have seen my shoes think they are wild. I have to admit, I would call them clown shoes. Anyone who owns a pair of these things has to admit that they are shaped a lot like clown shoes. So that's what I called them. I would ask the kids if they had seen my clown shoes and they knew exactly what I was searching for.

Of course, they had probably seen them last. Did you know that these kind of shoes make great rocket ships for action figures? They also make great boats for different action figures.

It's no wonder I can only find one most of the time. The other one has set sail.

One day, while shoe-shopping with the kids, Mini-Me found something called Jibbitz. Her shoes are hot pink and she found a flower that looked great with her shoes. I found a Gonzo Jibbitz.

I didn't buy it right away. I thought about it - and decided that it really would look good on one of my tie-dye shoes. I've always liked Gonzo. He was the one that I always felt I was most like. (Either him or Fozzie Bear) I even took a blog-things quiz to see which muppet I was most like - and came up with Gonzo. I was highly amused.

On our next trip to the shoe store (we were actually buying webkinz) I bought the Gonzo Jibbitz and put it on my shoe.
Suddenly, they were not "clown shoes" any more. They were my "Gonzo Shoes". Even the kids started calling them Gonzo shoes. Did that make them any less weird? No. But their identity had changed.

I started reflecting on this fact and thought about renaming.

The world renames things in the pursuit of Political Correctness (another rant for another time) - but the Lord of All renames in the pursuit of VICTORY!

the world would name some as victims, God would renames us Victorious!

God would take us out from under our circumstances, out from under the weather and put us on top and call us "Over-comers". He would calls us the Head and not the tail. He would call us Above and not beneath.

God renames us because He sees us as we will be - not as we are currently.

What about circumstances?
I realized that circumstances can be renamed by one simple act - the act of praising.
Circumstances can be renamed by realizing that we might be going through a refining process, a sifting process or a molding process. And all we really need to do is say "God, whatever is in me that needs to come out - let it come out." With that realization comes a peace that we get to not struggle on the potter's wheel.

I don't think sickness falls into this category - as I believe sickness is not of God. But sickness can be renamed. Cancer can be called "Cursed at the root!" and sickness can be called "Covered in the blood of Christ!"

Of course, my kids are a major part of my day and my life. I love them. Can they be annoying? Yes. They can also be re-named - in my eyes and heart.
They can go from annoying to "arrows in the Lord's hands".
They can go from whiny - to conquerors in the Lord.
They can be taught of the Lord and great will be their composure and peace.

I'm looking around and I really want a spiritual label gun. I want to stick new labels on everything. I think, as I clean things up around the house, it's time to evaluate Old labels that have been on things. It's time to rethink their names.

If it can work for shoes -- there's not telling what a new name is going to do for the rest of the house.

I'll have what he's having...a journal ramble

A "That Could Preach" moment

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The Miracle of an Obedient Heart at the I-35 Bridge
by BCN Exclusive by Aimee Herd : Aug 10, 2007 : Breaking Christian News (Exclusive)

"People were going around me—about 20 feet away from the bridge. That's when it snapped—[the bridge] broke down and crashed. I saw 2 cars go off the bridge, and I was like...'wow!'"

EDITOR'S NOTE: The following is a very special account of a miracle that happened the day of the recent bridge disaster in Minnesota. This is the testimony of a young man named Matthew who is not a stranger to the voice of God. The part of his story that I found most remarkable was the fact that his obedience to God ended up saving the lives of many others, who otherwise could've just ended up another statistic in this tragedy.

Matthew's account made me wonder: do we ever stop to think of the lives that are affected by our obedience to the Lord? Not just our own—though we know the Bible says blessing comes with obedience to God—but also the lives of those around us. Every one of us is affected by another's actions...but can we actually save lives (even unknowingly) just by doing what we know God has asked us to do? Read on...and you'll see a perfect example of this kind of obedience to the Lord. –Aimee Herd, BCN.

(Brooklyn Park, Minnesota)—Wednesday, August 1st, seemed to be a day like any other in the St. Paul, Minneapolis area. But at 6:05pm—in the midst of rush hour traffic—the busy Interstate Bridge that joined I-35 with the city of Minneapolis suddenly broke apart and fell into the Mississippi River.

There have been many accounts already, which have pointed to the grace and protection of God in the midst of such tragedy.... Due to the construction on the bridge, the traffic was not at the normally full flow, or speed. There was a train riding underneath the bridge at the time, which may have stopped some of the collapse. And then the school bus, filled with 50 children that rode the concrete on the way down during the collapse, and didn't tip over—all the children were saved.

And then there is Matthew's testimony of God's protection. What happened to Matthew (last name withheld) on the day of the bridge collapse is nothing short of miraculous and amazing!
After being contacted by one of Matthew's family members, to inform me of his story, I later spoke with Matthew directly. First I asked him go back to that moment, before the bridge collapsed, and explain everything that happened next.

"I was coming home to take a shower, and then pick up my friend across the I 35 W. bridge," Matthew recalled. "I was headed into the city [of Minneapolis], it was bumper-to-bumper."

"I was praying and talking to the Lord, and the next minute the Lord gave me this vision. In the vision [the bridge was] shaking—it started to snap and broke through. I saw two cars go off the edge into the Mississippi. Then, [after the vision] I said, 'What is that all about Lord? You need to talk to me.'"

"God told me to 'STOP!'" (I was 100 feet away from the bridge)

"He said, 'You need to stop right there.' I said, 'Lord, there are cars behind me,' (There were about 100 people in the line of traffic behind him, and many had begun honking their horns at him). But God said, 'That's okay, you need to stop.' So I stopped. And then the Lord said, 'Look.'"

"People were going around me—about 20 feet away from the bridge. That's when it snapped—[the bridge] broke down and crashed. I saw 2 cars go off the bridge, and I was like...'wow!'"

"At first I was sitting in the car waiting, thanking the Lord, because it could've been me on that bridge. Then people came up to me and said, 'Thank you.'"

"I got out and looked from the side [at the collapse]...it was traumatic seeing what happened. And then the police told me to go back in my car and turn around."

I asked Matthew what he was thinking at the moment he saw the bridge begin to break...

"I was realizing that the Lord is awakening [His people] and saying, 'Listen to Me, you need to listen to Me.' I realized that if I [hadn't] listened to Him, I would've gotten on that bridge and took a ride."

"After that I called my friend and told him I couldn't pick him up because the bridge broke through. Then I went to the Holy Spirit conference [that was happening nearby] and worshipped the Lord!"

I then asked Matthew, "As you look back at what God spared you from that day, and at what happened with the bridge, what immediately comes to mind?"

"When I look back," said Matthew, "I realize the Lord has a calling [for me], and He's preparing me to be obedient and ready, and to know it is 'time to roll'...and to know who Jesus is."

Link to Story: Breaking Christian News

----+---

You know what?

I want what he's got.

I want to hear the voice of God. To be obedient...

To be ready to roll.

To be so intuned with God - that I never have to question that it's His voice I hear.

There was a time, not so long ago, that I would be afraid people would think me crazy for being radical. I wouldn't have claimed "Jesus Freak" as a title. I couldn't because I knew my own heart.

I'm not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination.

I still battle my flesh.

I have to be on guard against apathy.

But I love my Jesus. I fully claim the Title of a Jesus Freak radical because I know where I was...and I know in Whom I believe.

I want to be like Matthew - Ready to roll. or to stop. At a moment's notice.

Teachable moments..

The emotional day I had Saturday was coupled with a slightly hectic day on Sunday. I went to bed with oodles of things on my to do list. I was thinking of children. Thinking of schooling. Thinking of trying to make sure I enjoy them.

I'm not sure why, this current season seems especially difficult. I'm not sure why it's difficult nor do I know when it changed. I just know it's new - and that means I need to change my course of action.

I was picking up something off the floor and thinking of something I'd read about keeping the younger children entertained. I thought of my method of keeping the youngers entertained - I teach the older children one at a time. While I'm teaching one, the other one plays with the youngers - if they're not doing school work.

I was thinking something along the lines of "I can't seem to teach the olders at the same time....." I can't remember where that line of thought was headed - but the Holy Spirit whispered to me "That will come in time."

With that single sentence - I realized that my expectations of myself were WAY too high. Which, I think, had been a contributing factor in some of my emotional grumps on Saturday.

I don't want to waste valuable time (which is quite silly because I just watched more than half a documentary on John Wayne and John Ford) - but I don't want to wish the children to be too old. Because then I would miss the cute head tilts from Mini-E, the puns from Mini-Me, G's tape creations and J-man's laughs.

It was nice just to have encouragement...

My other teachable moment came today.
G decided to be difficult today. He decided to question all authority in different sorts of ways. It made for a difficult time with the youngers and a slightly difficult time with school work. I'm praying that it won't happen again tomorrow.

By the time we got to 11:30, I was fed up. Wishbone has been on for the summer and I've been letting the kids watch it while I make lunch. I've enjoyed it, too. Because of the difficulties, if G had asked to turn on the TV, I'd have said no.

As it was, Mini-Me asked. She asked politely and quietly. She had been obeying and listening. Because SHE had asked, I said yes.

Immediately, I thought of the scriptures that speak of God blessing his covenant to the thousandth generation. What I might be doing now, will definitely effect future generations. I know this will preach because I've heard TD Jakes preach on it.

He used Timothy's grandmother in 2 Tim. 1:5 to illustrate his point. If Eunice hadn't passed down her faith - Timothy might not have been what he was.

So because Mini-Me had been obedient, they all were blessed and got to watch Wishbone. I want my children (& Grandchildren & great-grandchildren if they come ) to be blessed because of what I do NOW. So I need to be obedient and watchful now.

Cattle dog...

This is Shadow, the Avalanche Ranch cattle dog. She was our mascot yesterday. She reminded us that "God is With Us". I have to say, I like her hat.

I wish I had a follow-up quote from the first grader of Tuesday, but I don't. I have 37 first graders in this group. Actually, they're GOING into the first grade. All in one group.

I feel like a cattle dog sometimes. Luckily, I'm not the only Cattle Dog. There are 3 of us and at times we have Teenage helpers.

37 firstgraders. It just blows my mind.

Over the last few days, I've only really gotten to know a few of them. Today, at one of our "centers" the center leader asked for the kids to go give their teacher a big hug. It was sweet, I was mobbed. I felt special for that one giggly group hug because I haven't been able to have that one-on-one time that builds relationship. So it was fun to have so many hugs. You just never know when you're shining a light.

There have been interesting learning moments over the last few days. My Father-in-law told The Professor that our kids would have to learn about the real world one day. I watched the "real world" this week, in two little boys. They met up with some kids that have obviously been to church much! The two worlds didn't quite mix. For instance today a little girl came and said "Everytime I talk, he ....." and she mimicked him moving his mouth in a hateful way.

That's when it would have been nice to have less people around to talk about why we don't do things like that.

I also thought about school teachers. It is no wonder that at school it's sit down and hush and don't move. If you let ONE kid free, others will follow and soon you lose control. We start with one end of the line quiet, and by the other end of the line gets going, there's noise. It felt like cattle herding. Or maybe herding cats.

I'm so glad that I can have the one-on-one time with my kids. I don't feel like I'm getting enough into their hearst and heads, but I know that what I am getting in - it's sticking. Because there aren't 36 other kids that have to be "herded".

I'm sure this could preach. But at the moment, I'm afraid it's turning more into a rambling than cohesive post.

I'm so glad that God is Strong!

Even for 37 First graders.

When it rains it pours...

~Otherwise, entitled: the Laundry Pile Happenings~Saturday. We had a Women's Ministry event at our church...and heard a fantastic message (of which is blog worthy all in itself.) and I sang in the worship band. It was fun. God showed up in all His Glory.

Came home to find J-man with a fever and one heck of a cough. The fever alone keeps him out of the nursery at church. The Professor opts to stay home with J-man and Mini-E and the bigs and I head off to Sunday School.

We only stay for Sunday School as J-man wasn't feeling good and I've got some place to be right after church. We head home, thinking that The Professor might have time to take a nap. He doesn't. But he's made lunch.

I head off to band practice at another church - for which I have been asked to be their interim worship leader. (WAY out of my comfort zone...as I want God to pour all knowledge into my brain BEFORE -- and not make me learn as I go. Apparently, He's more into the learning as I go and character building thing...drats.)

I head home. G's birthday was Sunday. My parents and brother come and we have a high-old time. G has requested white cake with blue icing. The Professor is more than happy to provide the blue icing. (He loves a challenge.) G gets a new bike (NOT expensive), a new scooter and a Gameboy (to replace the one he lost). Each gift was from different people. Praise God for grandparents!!

Monday we go to our beloved pediatrician to discover that J-man has a virus. *Insert frustrated sigh here* The good news is - it was not bronchitis or pneumonia. The bad news - it's a virus. After much prayer, he's feeling better. Matter of fact, Monday night I was not sleeping because of his coughing and got up with the intent to give the boy Benadryl to help stop the snot. The Holy Spirit said "Let it run it's course."

I know I'm easily amused, but I really love the fact that He told me what to do.

Tuesday we started swim lessons. ONLY the big kids. They have an option to teach kids that are J-man's age, but it requires parent participation. NOT going to happen right now. J, E & I tried to walk to the slides, but Mini-E fell. It was the oddest thing to watch. She tripped and landed on her knees and then almost in slow motion, she landed on her hands and then her lips. I was watching and still not sure what happened. That ended our trip to the slides for that day. We sat in the van and ate pretzels.

Today was day #2 of swim lessons. They had a great time despite the fact that the weather was not as hot as yesterday and it was overcast and threatening rain. G got in the van telling me he was freezing! We head home by way of Starbucks. (I won't be doing that often, that's for sure). Got home and the kids got into their dry clothes. G kept complaining that he was freezing. And his throat was dry. So he got dressed and I loved on him and he shouldn't have been freezing as he was running a fever. He said his throat hurt when he yawned, when I looked in it to see if it was red, and when he swallowed.

I call the pediatrician's office. We have an appointment at 1:40.

We have lunch and drive off... We get there and G is laughing and telling me that his throat doesn't hurt any more. Nor was he registering a fever. I felt really silly for taking him to the doctor. They swab his throat as they do when strep is suspected. We wait for the doctor. He's funny, he asked G if he'd been kissing girls. To which G replied, "NOOOOooooo" in the kind of repulsed tone of voice only a newly 7-year old can accomplish. (at this point in the calendar year, I'm reminded just how close in age my first two are. Mini-Me is 8.5 & G is 7)

Doctor does his check. Ears - Clear. Throat - Red. Glands - swollen. He goes away to await the test results and comes back. Strep = Positive. Poor

At some point, I'm sure that I'll figure out what I need to do to get my house clean so that sickness can not attack our house.

Tonight, the Professor is working late and I think we'll have spaghetti for dinner. G is resting in my bed, with a fever by the way, but he wants to sleep. We have a prescription for chewable amoxicilin (did I spell that right?) and we're contagious for 24 hours. So no swim lessons for him tomorrow, but maybe on Friday.

Our pediatrician suggested we take his cards to swim lessons on Friday - just in case. Funny guy.

I'm amazed at the moment. It's quiet. Mini-E is asleep. G is resting. Mini-Me is watching "Arthur". J-man is playing "Minnesota Cuke" on the kids computer. And I have a new blog post written! It's nice when moments come along .... I can't help but wonder if it might be the calm in the midst of the hurricane, though. (Edited to add: It was. It was not a quiet night.)

Even through all this - I never *NEEDED* a diet coke. I got one because it sounded like the thing to do - but I didn't need one. That is pretty amazing.

I am not a Pollyanna. Sometimes,well, sometimes, When it rains it just pours. For me, I know that I need to look at something other than my circumstances or I'll quickly get bogged down in self-pity. I'll get wrapped up in the fact that I don't have help tonight, or that the kids are sick for the 3rd time in as many months. I have to think on whatever is good....

I have a pediatrician that got me in today.

I have insurance.

I have a house that kept the rain off of our heads today.

More importantly, I may not know why my kids have not manifested healing, but I know that My God still heals. That He's still on the Throne and that He loves me. That He gives me Hope.

I want Him to not just rain on me - but pour on me. Because sometimes when it rains, it pours.