Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Average Mom: The Pool Chronicle

I am not June Cleaver. (Gag)
I'm not even Mrs. Huxtable.

I am Average Mom.

My current Nemesis: The soft-sided pool and four children who don't often get along.

Trust me. The following is the condensed version.

I found it at Academy for $80. It's 12' diameter by 30" deep. To get wet the big kids have to lay down. But at least they have room to do that....the laying down.

We've had it for three days.
And I'm starting to hate it.

I've asked several times "Who's idea was this?" and then remembered it was mine. Mine because I didn't want to take the kids to the pool. The actual pool where J-man drank too much pool water while he bobbed in a life jacket under the seat of a lifeguard as I was tending to Bubbles.  The pool where there has to be three of us go to the potty when one of them has to go. Heaven forbid the Mommy need to potty.

This looked perfect. The little kids could stand and not get their heads wet.

Ugh. The excitement started as we put it together. They were EVER so helpful. OVERLY so.
To get this thing ready to swim, as you add water, someone (me) has to get in and stretch out the bottom as it fills. This is to get the bottom flat to aid cleaning and to help the pool get to the full size of 12' in diameter. I forgot I had my cellphone in my pocket.

But after the endless questions of "What are you doing""When can we swim" "What are you doing" "When can we swim" "can I get in" "I want to get in"... I was cranky. I'm sure the neighbors think I'm a shrew.

Sunday came. Day One of swimming readiness. The kids started asking at 7am if they could swim. I told the Professor (The resident morning person) to just stick them in the cold shower. It would be the same.

But we let them swim later in the morning from 10-ish until lunch. Then Bubbles and The professor hit their respective beds and the three bigs hit the water again. (I forgot to reapply sun screen. Sunburn whining came that night and the next day).

The water is not big enough to dive in - but it is be enough for a 9year old to act like a breaching whale. Between the two swim times, I don't know how many times I had to intervene. Stop them from drowning each other. Tell Mini-me she didn't have to take "that". Lay ground rules. Order time outs. And get ignored. Repeatedly.

By the time it was time for them to get out, have a snack and get ready for church, I had had it.
I told the Professor, who greeted us all with happy smiles,  "NO WONDER You think I'm stressed all the time. I have to deal with stuff like THAT and then you get to be the GOOD COP!!"

I'm fairly certain the neighbors think I'm a witch of the first order.

And I might just be.

Today I watched them ignore each other and then suddenly have splashing fits in anger.
For such a nice person, I'm a really mean mom. I'm fairly certain the neighbor heard my tirade on the issue of double standardness (It's Okay for you to splash them in the 'eye ball' but it's not okay for them to splash you?!?)

The only good thing - ONLY good thing to come of this pool -- J-man is going under and holding his breath quite a lot. No more water fear for him. Now. Bubbles on the other hand likes to sit and scream orders at me. Demands like:
"Teach me how to hold my breath" (which is pointless because she can't stick her face in the water)
"Then put your face in the water. It's the first step!"
"I CAAAAAAAAAAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Then I'm sorry."I Head back to my chair.
No sooner had I sat back down than she shrieks.... "I WANT TO GO UNDER WATER!!"

I was so close to dunking her.
Still may. It's a long summer. And we're only into day three of this escapade.
I won't be winning "Mom of the Year award". Ever.

There's no category for 'average mom: child dunker'.


Halfmoon Girl said...

Oh, I need this today...I am so sorry that you have such frustration to deal with, but I really needed the snorts and laughter it gave me! I am sorry that I delight at your expense. It is not that I am laughing AT you, it is just that I so understand, and I am SO glad that I am not the only mom that feels like this! I may have taken a sharp knife and "accidentally" slashed the pool late at night. Acutally, who am I kidding...you need a Wilson, like I have. That pool would be history.

CrossView said...

ROFL! And the best part? They will actually look back fondly and remember! Take heart, I haven't killed one of mine yet.... ;o)

TobyBo said...

just a thought... it is humanly possible to pull the plug and put the thing in the garage till next summer. Seriously. Or maybe even you could be above average and let them have a go at it again in a month. I wonder if that would get their attention.

And, yes, of course, I am proud of you for putting a new avatar on HSB. Only, it is not showing. I hope that will straighten itself out in the next day or so. Glad you can comment with ease!