Saturday, December 11, 2010

Write Thinking...

Over the weekend of the fourth, I found myself fighting a funk. It's not depression. It's just a 'blah' sort of thing that's less than my normal.

They come from time to time, these funks. It's part of my personality. High highs and low lows. I can honestly tell you that I am like David in this.

We think alike.  One minute I can be all "There are enemies in the bushes" and the next I am "but Great are you my King."

It's not a wrong Diagnosis. God said so. 

The funk comes from emotional upheaval. The emotional upheaval comes, or CAN come, from lack of sleep, the stress of the day, the stress related to relationships, from the Professor's work place and even from the weather. 

However it comes, the funk always throws me off my stride. 

I am the first person to admit that something is amiss. I tell The Professor about it. I hide in the bedroom or go out for a while by myself. If that doesn't work, we don't do school work and I just read. 

I don't do dishes when I'm in a funk.
That just doesn't help.

Sometimes, the funk comes related to what I know I'm called to do.
I'm going to write books. 
So sometimes when I'm mentally down, or mentally funkish (that amused me) I really doubt my ability to write stories.

Especially when I get tongue tied over an argument.
I guess I'm not meant to argue - but I still try. 

I am also the first person to admit that a first draft of anything is s**t. (Hemmingway said it. Don't snap at me.) I loved this quote when I first read it ... it made me feel better about what I write. 

I may not be on the same level as Raymond Feist or JD Robb - but I like my characters.

MOST of the time.

Okay - on the flip side I will go back and read things I've written that I consider especially clever. I just wanted you to see that I have another side. 

I heard this saying once: "You don't have to be the best out there - you just have to be out there." 
I enjoyed this quote for much the same reason as above. Unless I have a funk.

In a funk, this quote takes a maudlin sort of tone. "I'll never be the best."

I know - you can tell me to suck it up. I promise it sounds weirder reading about it than living it, I'm sure. The mental arguments are much the same as what I've listed above and I have long arguments with myself. 

This weekend of the fourth, I decided to see how others fought this. I found this article:
How to Chase Away the Writer's Blues

It was instant encouragement to me. 

Each of the top reasons the author has highlighted at the top of her argument are things I have struggle with. 

Comparison - It's hard not to, I think. At least *I* haven't learned how to not compare myself. I have to be careful not to compare what I write with what someone else writes - especially if the topics might be close. (There is nothing new under the sun, after all.)

Feelings of Inadequacy - It can stem from comparisons, as well as struggling for the write  Correct words.

Seasons of Life - With children and a husband - this is a huge definite. And sometimes it's difficult to balance everything.

Spiritual warfare - This is a 'gimme'. If you're a believer - this is just gonna happen. If it doesn't then you have other problems.

Rejection - So far those I've shared my stories with like them. However. I am just now beginning the 'game' of query letters and approaching agents. It will take a choice not to be bummed by an agent's rejection. And Holy Spirit has already warned me that the religious won't like me.

I enjoyed reading Ms. Barritt's notes.
The question "Can you walk away?" struck me. And struck me hard.

I could answer this question, even in the middle of the funk, with a resounding, NO. 
I can not walk away.

I've never been able to walk away from my imagination and I can't walk away now. 
I liked the encouragement. 

So - Sunday night I was still fighting the funk. It was better because I'd been reading and reading and sleeping and sleeping  but I knew it was there...

Sunday night our church passed around a basket of Keys. Each inscribed with different words. I'm sure they were the same five words, but I didn't know what they were. I knew there was "love" and "dream" but i didn't know what else was in the basket.

When it was my turn to choose a key, I was in the middle of a moment with Holy Spirit where He was touching the aching parts of my heart. I started rifling through the keys wanting God to give me the key He wanted to give me. Something that would speak to me. I expected "freedom" or "Dreams" - because those have been important through 2010. As I rifled, I realized it was silly because, hey - it's God.

I picked a key and looked at it. 

I laughed. Out loud. In the middle of that moment.
It's okay. Everyone is used to it.

God took that moment to encourage me and to love on me.
It did more for me than any thing else might have. 

It made me realize just how important it is to have a "NOW word" from God. Not just the often quoted verses that might just be used as platitudes. 

He gave me my word. 
   He reminded me that I wasn't wrong with my Write thinking
       and my heart was happy and the funk was gone. 


Mother Mayhem said...

I've tried to run away from my imagination before...

Glad the funk took a hike. :o)

CrossView said...

I LOVE this! God most definitely gave you the key!

I needed this, too. :O)