Sometimes, though, in those inner searches ... or quests for correction ... I find things that, really, aren't wrong. I am my own worst critic, after all.
However. Sometimes, when I look to see if 'the problem lies with me' the answer I find is yes.
And being selfish - I've come to the realization that homeschooling my children requires a level of selflessness that I am, currently, unable to give. And maintain. I might be able to give a day of it...but by the end of the day, I find myself struggling.
So -- while that revelation was poignant...and important... the other revelation was equally so.
I do not like to share the front seat.
Mini-Me is nearly twelve. AND she's passed the height/weight requirements by state law to allow her to ride in the front passenger seat.
In allowing her to do this, I have discovered I don't like sharing.
It's like a bubble of solitude has been burst whenever she's there. I have no time to readjust my thoughts adequately to prepare for the next level of whatever task we're undertaking. Whether it be at the store or at home.
I am unsure what to do about this ...sharing thing. Except to be honest with her. There have been times when I"ve had to be the bad-cop-referee-'no-they're-not-my-favorite'-I-wish-your-daddy-was-here-too-hate-your-sister-from-your-room" kind of mom and I just need time away from .... children type humans. So she'll grump and sit in her normal seat.
Then there are the times I let her sit in the passenger side and just swallow my child-sized-frustrations. (Let's say they are HUGE right now and very difficult to swallow) She likes being 'alone' in the front seat. Even though in a mini-van we're never really alone - but at least she acknowledges there's a separation. She'll talk and talk and talk.
Which makes me realize that she needs and enjoys the one on one time. That makes the frustrations go down easier.
The side-effect of this is, now from the back corner of the mini-van, I'm hearing G-man (who's propensity for whining is normal, so I've been told, but my goodness is it annoying!)
"Cause she can."
I think he gets a secret delight whenever I don't share my front seat sanctuary with her.
Yeah. Homeschooling requires an extra level of selflessness.
I'm working on it.
Maybe by the time they all graduate.