Do you ever...?

Do you ever tell someone about your blog and then wish you hadn't?
Not because you want to talk about them, but because now -- now - they're seeing a part of you that:

a) you might not want them to see. Not in a bad sense - but they just didn't turn out the way the appeared. which could lead to:
b) they might just use it against you.

and then you put it out of your mind and: 
c) you might actually forget they're reading and then talk about them.

I've found the same is true of Facebook.

At least, on Facebook you can remove someone from your 'friends' list.
Except maybe that 3rd cousin on your mother's side. That's probably not a good idea.

~~~~

Do you ever wonder at your own expectations?

I expected my children to like their teacher. Snort.
I expected my fourth child to be the easiest. Did you hear that cackling?? It was me. I can't believe I expected that.

I'm a friendly person. I expect friendships. After a back-stabbing incident when I was a teen, I'm very careful about calling people best friends. I didn't want that heart break - but even so - I was constantly on the look. Still am, to be honest.Looking for friendships that can go deep....

I realize friendships come and go. They just do. The truly rare friendships are the ones that stay ...
and change with you. And I am grateful for the few that have done just that.

I've struggled over a friendship that changed so drastically the friendship is really no more. Acquaintances, really.

It's bothered me. I worried that I was the one who did something wrong.
Did I call too much? They never called back. Was I too needy?
Instant messaging chats didn't work out.
I learned the hard way that I can't give more than I've got - but did I not give enough?

After a while of pursuing on my part and not being pursued in turn - friendships really are a pursuit you know. Pursuit of time. Commonality. Contact.

After sharing all of myself and realizing they were only sharing part of themselves, I realized the friendship would never go beyond what it was.

Which seemed like the shallow end of the pool...when I could see the deep end. I could feel it.

I always liked the deep end best.

Months have passed and still I struggled with it. It was a recurring thought when ever the blues came along. So ..one day while washing dishes ... I asked Holy Spirit why? Why did this bother me so much?? Why can I not be happy that it never went beyond the shallow end of the pool? The signs that it was for the best are there. So why am I struggling?

Expectations, was His whisper.

I had the expectations that we would get out of the shallow end and it never happened.
I don't think it was wrong that I expected (and desired) the friendship would deepen.
I was disappointed when it didn't.
Now that I know it was my expectations, I have a weapon to use to fight the solemnity that comes when I remember.

And value those friends who do want to stick, making the effort to pursue... being willing to go with the flow of life, growing and changing as life grows and changes. Truly, they are the best of friends.

---

Do you ever just wonder what the hell God is up to??

I'm not going to apologize. I'm a what you see is what you get girl.
I seriously wonder this sometimes.


Things are not easing on the stress levels. Though the oppression that our household had been under since Passover has lifted - it's all a new level. Did I pass the test? I don't know.

I read a quote from TobyMac. It was tacked inside a video from YouTube.
It said he spent two hours just being silent - he got up and with the affirmation "I still believe in God."

And that's where I am.

I do not like the news of the day.
 I do not like the pressure that is hurting my husband's heart.
  I do not like that my kids are constantly at each other. Pick pick pick.
    I do not like that I can't see the future ...
       BUT

I still believe in God.

-----

Do you ever get such a kick out of your kids that you can barely stand it?

-----

Do you ever look back - not seeing a difference in yourself compared to then and now - but KNOWING there is a difference - and knowing you can't go back. Learning to not be apologetic about it ...

---------------

Do you ever write a post -- and then hesitate to publish it?