Sunday, June 27, 2010

Do you ever...?

Do you ever tell someone about your blog and then wish you hadn't?
Not because you want to talk about them, but because now -- now - they're seeing a part of you that:

a) you might not want them to see. Not in a bad sense - but they just didn't turn out the way the appeared. which could lead to:
b) they might just use it against you.

and then you put it out of your mind and: 
c) you might actually forget they're reading and then talk about them.

I've found the same is true of Facebook.

At least, on Facebook you can remove someone from your 'friends' list.
Except maybe that 3rd cousin on your mother's side. That's probably not a good idea.

~~~~

Do you ever wonder at your own expectations?

I expected my children to like their teacher. Snort.
I expected my fourth child to be the easiest. Did you hear that cackling?? It was me. I can't believe I expected that.

I'm a friendly person. I expect friendships. After a back-stabbing incident when I was a teen, I'm very careful about calling people best friends. I didn't want that heart break - but even so - I was constantly on the look. Still am, to be honest.Looking for friendships that can go deep....

I realize friendships come and go. They just do. The truly rare friendships are the ones that stay ...
and change with you. And I am grateful for the few that have done just that.

I've struggled over a friendship that changed so drastically the friendship is really no more. Acquaintances, really.

It's bothered me. I worried that I was the one who did something wrong.
Did I call too much? They never called back. Was I too needy?
Instant messaging chats didn't work out.
I learned the hard way that I can't give more than I've got - but did I not give enough?

After a while of pursuing on my part and not being pursued in turn - friendships really are a pursuit you know. Pursuit of time. Commonality. Contact.

After sharing all of myself and realizing they were only sharing part of themselves, I realized the friendship would never go beyond what it was.

Which seemed like the shallow end of the pool...when I could see the deep end. I could feel it.

I always liked the deep end best.

Months have passed and still I struggled with it. It was a recurring thought when ever the blues came along. So ..one day while washing dishes ... I asked Holy Spirit why? Why did this bother me so much?? Why can I not be happy that it never went beyond the shallow end of the pool? The signs that it was for the best are there. So why am I struggling?

Expectations, was His whisper.

I had the expectations that we would get out of the shallow end and it never happened.
I don't think it was wrong that I expected (and desired) the friendship would deepen.
I was disappointed when it didn't.
Now that I know it was my expectations, I have a weapon to use to fight the solemnity that comes when I remember.

And value those friends who do want to stick, making the effort to pursue... being willing to go with the flow of life, growing and changing as life grows and changes. Truly, they are the best of friends.

---

Do you ever just wonder what the hell God is up to??

I'm not going to apologize. I'm a what you see is what you get girl.
I seriously wonder this sometimes.


Things are not easing on the stress levels. Though the oppression that our household had been under since Passover has lifted - it's all a new level. Did I pass the test? I don't know.

I read a quote from TobyMac. It was tacked inside a video from YouTube.
It said he spent two hours just being silent - he got up and with the affirmation "I still believe in God."

And that's where I am.

I do not like the news of the day.
 I do not like the pressure that is hurting my husband's heart.
  I do not like that my kids are constantly at each other. Pick pick pick.
    I do not like that I can't see the future ...
       BUT

I still believe in God.

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Do you ever get such a kick out of your kids that you can barely stand it?

-----

Do you ever look back - not seeing a difference in yourself compared to then and now - but KNOWING there is a difference - and knowing you can't go back. Learning to not be apologetic about it ...

---------------

Do you ever write a post -- and then hesitate to publish it?

10 comments:

Kahri said...

I just finished a book called "Friendship for Grown-ups" by Lisa Whelchel. It was a really quick read (I read it in one setting) but it wasn't necessarily easy. I learned a lot about friendships. It gave me some peace about friendships that never make it to the deep end and friendships that you are in the deep end and someone sprints over to the shallow end. I highly recommend it for all grown-ups. I wish I could buy it for everyone I know. It was sort of like "comfort food."

Once again, you have such a beautiful way with words. Love what you write and how you write about it.

call*me*kate said...

I am 47 years old. I'm telling you this because, after all these years, I am finally o.k. with past friendships that are gone. It took a long time. But I stopped wondering if it was something I did and just decided it was something the other person did. If they really wanted to continue the friendship, they would have. And if they no longer want a friendship, for whatever reason, I should no longer want it, either. I no longer think I did something wrong or that there is something wrong with me. It is what it is.

I'll pray for you, concerning the things in your post.

Take care,
Kate

A Merry Heart said...

If you can answer yes to more than 2 of these questions does it mean I need therapy or sedation?

I am all for the deep end of the pool. Problem is, I can't swim! I would consider a floaty for a really good friend. :o)

CrossView said...

YES! To everything, I think. I can't recall one that was a "no".

Though I'm glad you've only had one back-stabbing incident. Mine have been too numerous to count. Which makes me really quick to move on... =(

But it sounds like your soul searching is providing growth and that's a good thing. =)

Classic MaMa said...

Do you ever wonder how Comfy Denim always seems to post things that I am thinking? :)

Jut wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you.

jugglingpaynes said...

Wow. That was a lot of do you evers. And I can answer yes to many of them. Listen to what call*me*kate said, because it is really true.

When I first started noticing how friends fall away, it was so frustrating. Blogging actually helped me deal learn to deal with it. If a blogging friend fell off contact I would take a deep breath and paraphrase a song: "If you can't be with the friends you love, love the friends you're with." :o)

It's helped me through many struggles. People move in and out of our lives for many reasons. Some return after many years, some you wish would go away, some never come back. We just have to keep the faith that it is all for a good reason and pray that the answers will eventually be revealed.

Am I rambling? I didn't sleep well last night...

Peace and Laughter,
Cristina

TobyBo said...

(((Friend)))

The Gang's Momma! said...

Yes. To all of the above. Yes.

Worse, when I do finally "man up" and post, it's used against me. . . by those closest to me no less. Ugh.

"Why do you post so much about adoption? About attachment? About parenting?" Whatever. . .

I am so getting that book that Kahri mentioned...

Good stuff. You are on the right track. You are a great mom. A great wife. A great friend. And a great writer. Keep it up - you keep me honest many days :)

Halfmoon Girl said...

Yes! I experience many of the same things and sometimes I don't get what God is up too, but I still BELIEVE. Keep on keeping on, my friend!
I liked this post- a glimpse into your heart.

Anonymous said...

Just got in trouble with family about something I just randomly wrote on the blog. And it toppled into a big hurt.

Wish I could take that back, or be more "sensitive" or something.

It has been a year since our monthly income for a family of six went from 2400 a month to between 600 and 800 a month. Yeah. I am totally wondering what the hell God is up to. I surrendered all and everything. I thought. I think.

ha. posting as Anonymous cause I don't want this to come up on google.

So that I wont regret it.

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