Sunday, July 12, 2009

Things are looking up....

I am what-you-see-is-what-you-get sort of gal and I gotta tell ya, things have not been easy around the Laundry Pile.

The past two months have been CRAZY........Taking much more emotional and mental energy than I had reserves for...

The emotions, the mind, the sanctified soul in me (and all of us) is where the enemy likes to attack. It's his preferred method of attacking. (Always know your enemy.)

The bickering of the children.
The desire of one to be alone.
The desire of one to be in control.
The, I guess, pre-teen angst of another.
Long hours and stress of the Professor ...

It all became ammunition to be used against me.
I'm failing.
I've broken the children.
Are we EVER going to have more than enough - like God promised?
Will I ever get this done? or that??
The house is crowded!!!
I had four kids??? What was I thinking??
I love them - don't misunderstand -- each and every one is unique and our family would not be complete with out each one. That said, they have required more WORK than necessary lately.

Mix all that in with this DIVINE desire inside of me -- and ... it was a hard month. It was a hard two months.

During church one night, the Lord showed me how I was being buffeted by wave after wave - like standing in the sea. In the midst of the struggles of the past few months, I cried out and I whined and I tried to gain undestanding. I worshipped (not enough) and I poured out my heart to Him. So I thought, when I first saw the vision of being buffeted by waves that, I would be in the natural - and I thought I was standing on the sand.

I questioned my faith. I questioned the call I have. I questioned God's sanity (yes, I did!) and told Him so.

But Holy Spirit shifted my vision and showed me that I was, indeed, standing on The Rock. I may not have seen the rock with my natural eyes because of all the waves - but He showed me how, by running to God with every problem, with every whine, with every thing, that my faith was intact. Standing on the rock.

I was moved with gratefulness to see me as God sees me.

I fight the fight with the weapons I know.
I combat the thoughts and take them captive, but sometimes, when the waves are coming so fast, you get water in the face. Eyes. Ears. Mouth.

Some of the waves crashing around me are about me.
I'm called to be mommy and wife - but inside of me is a Divine calling.
Sometimes, I struggle with that knowledge when I'm struggling with the daily stuff of life.

the waves said, "You'll never make it."
"You'll be 90." "You're gonna miss it"
"Your kids will see it but you won't"

I would fight like I knew how.
Abraham never saw his promise but never lost his faith.
I'm young at heart.
God has Promised and is faithful to complete that which He started in me.
I am more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus.

I realize that part of the issue, the growing part of it, is making sure I have joy in the now
-- but at the same time, it's been a struggle to not become apathetic (or consider myself apathetic) to the nature of the Divine.

It's been a struggle to not feel like I'm becoming stagnant. Feelings are such sanctified liars.
But in the midst of it, I started noticing something.

I started to feel different.
I have a different attitude.
I have a different mindset. (even if it is being changed)
Others may not see it.
I still may have bad days when the waves are high -- but inside, I can feel the difference.

I feel this stirring deep within me.
I'm hoping that the home life will be different.

Since I blog about the daily and the divine here, I'm going to change my blog up --
Because, even as I homeschool. As I mother. As I write. As I wife. As I throw balls for the dog. As I try not to take it personally when the kids bicker. As I learn to play the guitar. As I juggle priorities. ...

There is a desire to seek The Divine in the midst of the daily.


Classic MaMa said...

Love it! Love you! Love the road that the Lord is walking with you. Love that you are holding on tenaciously. Love that this isn't going to break you. Just love the picture of Christ you are.

TobyBo said...

I am glad to be walking with you, even via cyberspace.

jugglingpaynes said...

I am so happy to hear things are looking up. :o)

Have you ever seen the movie "The Devil and Daniel Webster"? We just watched it the other day. Excellent! Old but so funny (a few scary parts, so maybe pre-screen it for the little ones). Anyway, I have a point. Whenever old Scratch started whispering empty promises or negative attitude into Daniel Webster's ear, Daniel would yell, "Be still! And be gone!"

I think we should all practice that line!

Peace and Laughter,

appleleaf said...

Whoa, I really feel for you, reading your last few posts. Your honest posts are a blessings to those who can relate and understand.
Reinforces why I've passed on a blog award to you. It's a lovely, elegant one. You'll see it over at my blog.

KarenW said...

So much of what I've been feeling lately. Thanks for sharing.