Sunday, June 27, 2010

Do you ever...?

Do you ever tell someone about your blog and then wish you hadn't?
Not because you want to talk about them, but because now -- now - they're seeing a part of you that:

a) you might not want them to see. Not in a bad sense - but they just didn't turn out the way the appeared. which could lead to:
b) they might just use it against you.

and then you put it out of your mind and: 
c) you might actually forget they're reading and then talk about them.

I've found the same is true of Facebook.

At least, on Facebook you can remove someone from your 'friends' list.
Except maybe that 3rd cousin on your mother's side. That's probably not a good idea.


Do you ever wonder at your own expectations?

I expected my children to like their teacher. Snort.
I expected my fourth child to be the easiest. Did you hear that cackling?? It was me. I can't believe I expected that.

I'm a friendly person. I expect friendships. After a back-stabbing incident when I was a teen, I'm very careful about calling people best friends. I didn't want that heart break - but even so - I was constantly on the look. Still am, to be honest.Looking for friendships that can go deep....

I realize friendships come and go. They just do. The truly rare friendships are the ones that stay ...
and change with you. And I am grateful for the few that have done just that.

I've struggled over a friendship that changed so drastically the friendship is really no more. Acquaintances, really.

It's bothered me. I worried that I was the one who did something wrong.
Did I call too much? They never called back. Was I too needy?
Instant messaging chats didn't work out.
I learned the hard way that I can't give more than I've got - but did I not give enough?

After a while of pursuing on my part and not being pursued in turn - friendships really are a pursuit you know. Pursuit of time. Commonality. Contact.

After sharing all of myself and realizing they were only sharing part of themselves, I realized the friendship would never go beyond what it was.

Which seemed like the shallow end of the pool...when I could see the deep end. I could feel it.

I always liked the deep end best.

Months have passed and still I struggled with it. It was a recurring thought when ever the blues came along. So day while washing dishes ... I asked Holy Spirit why? Why did this bother me so much?? Why can I not be happy that it never went beyond the shallow end of the pool? The signs that it was for the best are there. So why am I struggling?

Expectations, was His whisper.

I had the expectations that we would get out of the shallow end and it never happened.
I don't think it was wrong that I expected (and desired) the friendship would deepen.
I was disappointed when it didn't.
Now that I know it was my expectations, I have a weapon to use to fight the solemnity that comes when I remember.

And value those friends who do want to stick, making the effort to pursue... being willing to go with the flow of life, growing and changing as life grows and changes. Truly, they are the best of friends.


Do you ever just wonder what the hell God is up to??

I'm not going to apologize. I'm a what you see is what you get girl.
I seriously wonder this sometimes.

Things are not easing on the stress levels. Though the oppression that our household had been under since Passover has lifted - it's all a new level. Did I pass the test? I don't know.

I read a quote from TobyMac. It was tacked inside a video from YouTube.
It said he spent two hours just being silent - he got up and with the affirmation "I still believe in God."

And that's where I am.

I do not like the news of the day.
 I do not like the pressure that is hurting my husband's heart.
  I do not like that my kids are constantly at each other. Pick pick pick.
    I do not like that I can't see the future ...

I still believe in God.


Do you ever get such a kick out of your kids that you can barely stand it?


Do you ever look back - not seeing a difference in yourself compared to then and now - but KNOWING there is a difference - and knowing you can't go back. Learning to not be apologetic about it ...


Do you ever write a post -- and then hesitate to publish it?

Saturday, June 5, 2010

I had a birthday...

It seemed odd to go from announcing death to celebrating a birthday so I hesitated to post. Then I was busy and forgot to post.

I celebrated my birthday on the same day I always celebrate - June 1st.

I called my mom and was prepared to ask her to sit with the kids so The Professor and I could go out and eat. And maybe a movie. She surprised me - by telling me she was going to give me the entire day.

She meant it, too. She showed up at my house at 7am.
Mini-Me was surprised. My mom is a night-owl. So Mini-Me wondered how my mom was going to get here at 7am if she stays up late.

I was too excited to sleep in. An entire day to myself!!!! I got up to check the bank account. and Mini-Me told me to go back to bed. She wanted to bring me breakfast in bed. I had already taken my shower. I'd already gotten dressed (unhindered! Uninterrupted!) and I was ready to go. But dutifully, I went back to bed.

I had breakfast in bed. Eggs, toast, sausage links and a bit of diet coke. I would say that my birthday was off to a good start - but it had actually started really good the night before. The Professor made me a birthday cake. :-)

I went shopping and bought some much needed t-shirts. I bought some new CD's that I didn't need. I met my very good friend for lunch, giggles and commiseration.

I went to the local bread place with wifi. I checked facebook. I laughed. I wrote. I got a phone call from a friend in Oregon. Surprise!!! I would have talked her ear off if it hadn't been her dime and in the middle of the bread place.

Too distracted to write. I headed home. BeeBopping to my new music. On my new birthday gift. Remember the radio for the Van??

Mom had told me on a phone call before my birthday that maybe I might want to get 'prissed up'. Which made me think that was a hint that perhaps I was leaning on the jeans and t-shirts far too much. The Professor tells me I am doing fine. Mom tells me "That's how you got him." (The prissing up) (not exactly true..but what can ya do?)

So I bought a new tunic from one of my favorite stores. The clerk told me I needed strappy sandals. So I bought some on sale. Mine are clunky and far from strappy.

I headed home and changed clothes for my night out. We had steak. And I had two birthday margaritas. I'm 37. I'm allowed. It turned out to be an interesting experiment. I got sloshy after the two of the - and I wanted to know what would happen if I had a third. I"m a writer. I need practical experience (The closest I've ever come to being drunk was after coming out of anesthetic and after coming out from under a blast from Holy Spirit)

The Professor laughed and told me that if I did (have the 3rd one) I'd likely fall asleep. Which might be true. Now we'll never know.

By the way, He did say I looked nice.

We headed to the movies to watch the Prince of Persia save the world. We were both entertained. I liked Robin Hood better, I think. Not sure. I won't let my kids see Prince of Persia for a while. There are some creepy images that might disturb some sleep - but other than that - it was pretty good.

All in all - it was a fantastic birthday.

One of the best parts?? Wearing my shoes of awesomeness and having people notice. :-D

My gift from my In-Laws:
One day, I might tell you how they came about...but in the mean time - bask in their awesomeness and laugh at me.
I'm 37.
Going on 25.